I know I rarely do written posts here, but I just need to… well, let it out.

I just recently discovered some old stuff I made long ago – parody videos, so-called ‘graphics’ (read: avatars with lots of textures slapped on random images snatched from all over the web), and stories (mostly embarrassing fanfictions). Looking back at them I was like, “What the… What kind of story is that? How can I think up of such random things? And why did I have the nerve to write them down?!”

Quality-wise, they’re not very good – of course, that’s to be expected from a elementary school student. My writing and grammar skills were still nonexistent, and I had no idea about characterization and proper narration. I abused the textures and brushes to the point the original images were unrecognizable, and added cheesy quotes or lyrics.  

But the most important thing is that I had so much fun with them. I enjoyed creating them, and at that time I didn’t really care of what other people think. It’s all about creating, and expressing ideas in my head freely without being restricted by other people’s expectations. I made them simply for the joy when seeing my finished work, and the desire to channel out the ideas in my head. I had that motivation to work on something until it’s finished, and the desire to experiment with new things.

While now, even though I already improved my skills (e.g. having better sense of colors, improved vocabulary range etc), I could not feel the same as before. I can not feel the same sense of freedom and rush of creativity like I used to.

Looking up to all the great artists on the internet does not encourage me to work harder – on the opposite, it makes me demotivated because all my work look like crap compared to those masterpieces.

I feel trapped by the mindset that whatever I make, it must be good and useful, or else it’s just a waste of time. Writing or drawing things simply for my personal fun makes me feel guilty. 

For example, I kept making outlines and plot guides before writing a story, but I have yet to begin writing the story itself. I sketched ideas for comic strips, but never actually dare to start them. I’m afraid of making mistakes, not being good enough, of making something that will only embarrass me, of being silly for creating such childish stories or pictures.

So I ended up focusing on enjoying other people’s work, such as by watching movies or reading stories. I enjoy them, of course, but sometimes I still yearn to be able to create something myself too.

I know this is wrong and strange, but, uh, I don’t know what to do.